Friday, May 09, 2003

you must read the nonesense that goes thru this man's head!

kennedy's blog

meet kennedy, a seemingly mild-mannered performance artist and actor. but lo and behold, inside this man's head is a plethora of straight comedy and random thoughts. and he spoon feeds us in morsels that we can take. amusing, i tell you...

i am back! well, hopefully...
i actually had time to write in this blog. eck! i have been running on empty for too long. i actually forced myself to sleep 10 hours for the past few days and been stuffing my face with fruits and veggies. i swear, my body is in shock right now. shocked that i gave in to her demands. "what the fack is this? fiber? vitamins? WATER? SLEEP? ok, this is too much for me to handle"

and it continues to go on
my life is good. face value, it is good. but i continue to go on this spiritual journey. i dont mean just going to church and praying that things will be okay but being really RECEPTIVE to His will and His guidance. though things are pre-destined, we have free choice so things can sway one way or the other. i would much rather not fuck up things too many times before i actually get something right. i have been blind to too many things... i have been ignoring my feelings, my emotions, my self. i try to rationalize my feelings (or rationalize myself out of feelings) rather than facing them and accepting them. i keep quiet on how i feel and i can tell it is wearing me down. it is stressful. i am learning. i am learning to accept my feelings (as confusing as they are) and accepting them. then i shall tell people the truth, not things that i think they want to hear.

but first, i have to be honest with myself before i am honest to others.

i really want to give you the challenge to face your inner struggles. it is so easy to internalize the external factors. but i really want to encourage you to look within yourself and find strength. it is so easy to blame outside factors for the pain you have been feeling. but you they don't matter. they may contribute and they may bring up the negative feelings but you must win the struggles within yourself first before you tackle the outside factor.

things i need to work on:
self-doubt and self harsh critique (yes, i may seem very confidant in some arenas but ironically, i question myself in others in my life, esp in love!)
expression ( i know, wierdly enough, i can express very well in art, yet when it comes to people i love and care for, i clam up!)

i am made up of both extremes.finding balance is hard, but it is attainable. its an effort... and i am putting my full effort into finding balance.

something sweet
had a dream about my daughter. i named her nohia. she was cute! her daddy was there too... and he looked at us so lovingly. what did he look like, you ask? like nohia when she smiles... i aint telling! i have not come terms with EXPRESSION yet! hahhahaahaha!

No comments: