Wednesday, December 30, 2009

It has been about three days since i have had coffee. i took a sip of a short drip about five minutes ago and it tastes so gross to me.

and this saddens me.

not thinking for a second that maybe i just had an acidic cup of a pot that has been sitting on the burner too long. or that maybe this type of brew needed sugar and cream. or maybe it's knowing that i really didn't need to buy a cup of coffee when i have tea back at the desk.

it saddens me because i feel my self changing.

a quinessential point of my life so significantly small to another's perpective but has been a daily constant is now being questioned by the coffee fiend herself.

ok, now this isn't psychobabble so please hear me out.

my life is this whole "Unbearable Lightness of Being" theme in which i have always been a free bird, always soaring, sometimes coasting, sometimes wanting to settle.

but not really.

in which i want something to pin me down because frankly, let's not romantacize the idea of being an artist any further. as a human being, i want to be held. i don't always want to float or coast. but i want to be rooted, but i also don't want to be pinned down.

so there is this compromise i have to make. and how much i want to compromise, i have to figure out because i gotta look into my self and see what i am ready for and what i am not.

psycho babble? maybe. cryptic? possibly, unless you have a daily conversation with me.

so.... and small but as significance as finding comfort in my daily coffee has gone, you could imagine how this uneases me as that is one of the many small points in my life as to what i can count on. because i don't know if my art series would be a hit, or if i can nail a gig, or if my ideas are a hit to my client, or if a project would take off, or shit, how long i have on this earth to make my impact on this world, since i put everything on hold for it.

but i know some things... like that i like my daily coffee.

but not any more.

and see? how that kinda uneases me?

bottom line... it's about change.. and reassessment. and being fluid.

and this unbearable lightness of being....

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"Men Plan, God Laughs"