when someone told me that i can be a bit controlling, i laughed at the idea. i mean, not just laughed but seriously did the whole scrunch face "pshaaaaw" hand wave away sort of thing.

until i started noticing things about me.

like how i rather be the one driving than the one in the passenger seat.

or that i find it easier to lead than to follow sometimes.

that it takes more effort to listen than to talk with me.

or that i'd rather do things by myself than with a crew of folks.


yes, it is hard for me to let go. to let someone take the wheel, to take lead, to trust.

when things go haywire, i find that there are things beyond your control. you can't stop the night from coming and shortening the day. you can't sway a person's opinion about you. and you can't manipulate some one to feel a certain way about you.

at least that is not the kind of feelings that you want.

but you can take action what you have dictation over. you can force yourself out of bed and make yourself run, no matter how warm your bed is. you can fill your days with friends and laughter to fill the silence. you can take it upon yourself to make yourself create for 2.5 hours a day, ensuring your progression in your craft.

but one of the worst things right now that i can't control in which affects all that i can do, is the act of missing someone.

that's what fucking sucks right now.