Wednesday, April 21, 2004

gotta organize today

my room is a mess right now. i have clothes strewn on the floor. my blankets on the bed bunches up in clumps and i am so tired at night that i merely find the biggest clump and crawl underneath it to keep warm instead of making the bed and then going to sleep. i have makeup cases in any place where there is free room on the dresser. dresser drawers open, making it look like my underwear have a mind of its own, trying to free themselves. shoes on the floor that for some reason, like to trip me during my nightly walk to the bathroom.

this is the life of a self-employed, busy-as-all-heck single woman (single meaning "not married)

my house is a mess. i have art supplies in every room. i converted my dining room area into an art studio so i have no room to entertain people with dinner parties. i have nag champa ashes on bills that need to get paid. my fridge is crying- it's leaking water. and i have dishes to do with meals that i don't even remember making but it has to be mine cuz my roommates eat out. my office has piles of invoices and comps and pads of paper of multiple people i need to talk to.i have contracts in the printer, photos to be scanned, and an army of hello kitties from mickey dee's happy meals (that i bought because the meals were cheap) sitting on top of my monitor that cheer me on everyday.

this is the life of a self-employed, busy-as-all-heck single woman (single meaning "not married)

i wonder what life is like for my married friends. what is it like to wake up next to the same man every day. sharing the bathroom so that both of us are ready to start the day. i wonder what is like making sure your children are fed in the morning, rushing them around their room to get them to get ready for school.

i wonder what it is like to no longer be in that level of building with your man, and then stopping because now you two have to build your children and any growing you do with your partner is done indirectly by focusing the energy on your children and not each other.

i wonder how my friends keep their houses so clean. how they master the art of feng shui solely to childproof their home. i wonder how they get shit done when they children follow them around. it's amazing if you think about it.

i wonder if they miss hanging out sometimes. i wonder if they understand me still. cuz sometimes, i feel distant from them.

i wonder if i can still be the artist and have a child.i wonder how saul williams do it, esp everytime i see him perform, i see his daughter with him. what does she do while her daddy is onstage? i wonder if i have a husband that supports what i do. he can hold the child when i am on stage and afterwards, hands me my baby as she or he tells me i did a good job even though i said bad words.

i wonder if my child would think going to art shows and spoken word events are boring. what if they hate it? what if they want me to be more "grounded" and be an accountant? or a medical biller? or a banker? what if they wish i wore "mom" clothes.

i wonder if i get to experience all that.


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