i just came back from walking my dog. i love the night air. anybody who knows me know that moonshine revitalizes me. i invited carlo because for some reason, i needed to talk to someone. i just wanted the company. he was telling me about a friend he had. she has been through alot in life, and because of that, she now wants to live life on her own. she wants to see the world, live life on her own terms. she doesn't want to get married, have kids - no attachments whatsoever. it is just her and her art...



my mother told me not to get married- to "enjoy my life." my grandmother told me not get married - to "fullfill my dreams and never compromise myself".



so now i am confused. with this all said to me, i wonder if love is an option right now. i believe in love. i want to be in love- but only when all the conditions are right. but i wonder if conditions are ever going to be right. i want the husband, the 2.5 kids, the family dog, the picket fence, the 401k plan ( all the mentioned are redefined by my husband and me. i threw in the "equation" for artistic purposes.) i find myself hopping back and forth with "i am ready to build" to "oooooooh nooooo, i am not ready to be in a relationship". i mean, i am doing things that i love. my art is 24/7. it is not like i can leave my job at six and leave my work at my job. no, i create at work (in between the actual work) and i come home only to have my heart set on writing, designing, and painting. my love for art consumes me. i have definite goals in which i care to accomplish. i wonder if i can find a kindred spirit that can understand my plight. i notice i take things really slow now. really slow.



i often wonder if i can ever be in love again. i still believe in love. love has never failed me. he and i did. and that is okay. i know that our paths took us to different directions. i just wish he chose decisions that were more considerate to my feelings. things could have ended in a more nicer way. now i can't trust him to even be a friend.



i am actually interested in someone. but i wonder if i am interested in him because he is so elusive or that he is just as busy as i am. i really can't say that i like him, just interested into getting to know him. i have been throwing subtle hints at his brow like little pebbles but either he chooses to brush them off or he is just not seeing it. or maybe i just suck at letting my feelings be known. yes, i think that it is the latter. God, i feel like a damn school girl. i find his smiles endearing, and he does that often. when he smiles, i melt. i can't help but smile back. he gives me only enough for me to be intrigued. he is terribly smart but down plays his knowledge, gentle in mannerism but strong in stance, so handsome yet humble in spirit. ugh.... if i ever see him with his head wrapped, sporting headphones, and wearing cowri shells, i would have to tell him that i am smitten! hahaha



(( switching modes )) aight, enough of that mush. i have to focus on work now.. ((pulling out the dictionary, pen, and journal))