Dear E.,

Today we had your SoCal memorial. 

Forgive me for not going up on the mic and sharing my stories about you. It is still too hard. The minute I say your name, my vocal chords constrict and in it's place is a million words wanting to rush out, none of which can even justify the adoration I have of you. And all the while, my throat wanting to keep it in for myself.

The thought of you not being in this physical plane is still surreal to me.

Though the distance between San Francisco and Los Angeles is eight hours and a coffee break away, I held you close in my pocket. Thank God for texting, Instagram and Facebook. I will not hate on technology as much now.

At one point you were as constant to my days as any other coworker who is only an earshot away. Logging on AIM all day, you were my coworker, my fellow shittalker. I may not see you but we still communicated.

So you can understand why I don't have closure.

But you were everywhere! You seem to show up at so many places unexpectedly. I remember at one FPAC, you just decided to come up. I didn't see you and you walked alongside with me not saying a word until I looked at you. You laughed and said "i'm a phantom, baby! you'll never know when i pop up." you were omnipresent.

Photo by Joel Quiz

We gathered in your name tonight. You brought the Bay to us with the clouds and the light rain. You were there, and we expressed more with gratitude and laughter than we did with sorrow.

You were that great, e. You ARE that great.

I know you are still there. You may not answer back my text, or I may not see you in the visceral at the events, but you are there. You fly with the angels, commune with the ancestors, coast along the breeze. Maybe it's good that I don't have that kind of closure. Because now, you are truly omnipresent.

I gave my painting to your family. I hope they like it.

You inspire to me to continue this work, but with the fire and the heart that you once did.

Until I see you again... greet me with that signature hug of yours...

alfie

Photo by Carlo Bacor

2011 to e.ternity