currently occupying the grey matter:
eargasms: faint whispers in the silence and radiohead
oralgasms: sweet potato flan from the lil ole lady at the farmers market and black coffee
burning: midnight oil wasted on wasting time on finding the stories behind jpgs.

aleks asked if i was taking care of myself.

"no," i said.

"i don’t like hearing that," he said.

i don’t know.

i don’t know what i need right now.

i can’t sleep at night and in the mornings, it is so fuckin’ hard to get up.

part of me wants to scream. part of me has nothing to say.

i feel faintly nauseous but i still eat the most guilt-induced foods.

part of me wants to be hugged but another part says "don’t fuckin’ touch me."

you would think that people’s grieving patterns directly correlates to their behavior. i am still handling mine, observing it from a third person point of view- partly to better see what i need emotionally and spiritually, but also because i don’t want to be deep in it.

Mia helped me understand, this push-pull process:

Mia: it’s such an feeling. losing someone.
or losing several people.
your senses are all out of wack.
like everything looks different, smella different, feels different.


like your soul is awake in a different indescribable way
but then your mind goes back and forth
with the "why?" questions

so your mind/body/souls are in this "push and pull" process
... and then it’s hard for you to process, let alone communicate with others

but i feel you about wanting someone to hold you, then wanting them to leave you a lone.

it might be like that for a while

i can feel a slight shift in my being. i started to smile more when i see his pics. i know giggle everytime my friends and i talk about him.

but the odd part of me doesn’t want to stop crying, as if the idea of healing means "getting over" it, and "getting over" it is attached to not remembering...

i know.. i will never forget bryan.

let me tell you what else is formed by the pushing and pulling...

created by the push and pull of the ocean...