so fuckin' salty right now

i sped thru the highway, going 90-95 miles an hour, barely missing a moron who coasted over to my lane and cut me off. i braked but got close enough to see the back of his neck and the color of his hair. oddly, after i regained control of my car as it swerved back and forth from the anti-lock braking, i calmly laid on my horn, blaring as if my car had a voice and it was screaming at him.i wasn't scared. i wasn't shaken up.

lately, words tend to fall out of my lips pretty easily. esp. the ones that cut.

lately, i walk with boxing gloves on, trying to find someone who would like to spar with me.

lately, my heart beat quickens and i find myself wanting to just open my door in the middle of the night and walk until my heart would just finally get the hint to slow itself down and settle in my chest cavity and stop rising up to my throat.

lately, i just don't give a shit about alot of things.

lately, i am just tired. tired of making sense of things. tired of crap blindsiding me left and right. tired of not being in control. tired of catching my breaths up with my sanity. tired of asking God "why?". tired of things changing and having me be the last to know."oh and by the way alfie, fuck you. here's another curveball and you figure out how to deal with it alone."

i am glad i am going to oregon. i just need to remove myself from los angeles for a minute. i don't care to think about anything.

but when i come back, i have my two middle fingers in my holsters, cocked and ready to unload as i scream "fuck you, life! bring it on!!!"