i think i am depressed...
i think i am depressed. not i-need-prozac depressed. not even tell-me-about-zoloft depressed. just ... depressed.

de?press:
1.To lower in spirits; deject.
2.To cause to drop or sink; lower: The drought depressed the water level in the reservoirs.
3.To press down: Depress the space bar on a typewriter.
4.To lessen the activity or force of; weaken: feared that rising inflation would further depress the economy.
5.To lower prices in (a financial market).


i think it is the kind of depress is where i question if i my optimism is a way of showing passive denial. that i am masking something. what sucks more is that I HAVE NO FAWKIN' IDEA AS TO WHY I FEEL THIS WAY. none.

i am a curmudgeon.

i am grumpy as eff.

so i am going to use this blog not to post my review of a movie i recently saw. nor am i going to talk about a bath product i adore. or what my weekend was like (ok i will do that later). no,i am going to free write and vent. rant till i pant. process shit out.

depressed. like the kind of depressed that would probably drive someone to have a beer. and though i don't drink, i am now. i am having the fruity wine miko and satoshi got me for christmas. i am even drinking from them fuckin' glasses i never use that i store on the top shelf. the kind they use for wine or champagne or any of that shit i normally turn down.

but not tonight my friend. tonight. i drink. (even though i think i am cheating cuz i am drink water at the same time. is the morning after hang over obligatory for the sunrise self reflection?) and see what it is like to wallow in this feeling instead of (( CLAP-CLAP reeeady okay))) cheerlead myself out of it.

this time i am going to embrace it.

care to join me?

good.

THEORY #1:
i am soooooo fucking bored with life right now. seriously. bored to tears. like, what am i supposed to do? sure, i do alot. but am i really pushing myself. what am i supposed to do? am i doing? and if i am, am i doing it in the capacity in which i should be doing it?

THEORY #2:
i am not to positive on the outlook of life right now. it's bleak. i would like to think that the budget cuts on the arts, education, and medical will be rectified but shit, i honestly think people don't give a shit. and i wonder if our voices are even heard. i mean, come on. i am seeing organizations are being in dire straits right now. sure, i believe that we should sustain ourselves but fuck, people are so closed minded these days. they don't know the options. they only know what is being fed to them. maybe the arts don't need grants. that arts should be able to thrive for the arts create free thinking and it is not owned by anybody but the people. but people fail to see the importance of the arts. fuck, other than the movie industry, can be very lucrative for california! ok, i am blabbing. email me for further details or clarification when my mind is not intoxicated.

THEORY #3
i am running my ass off four times a week, AND WHY CAN'T I GET RID OF MY BELLY?

THEORY #4
i ate really bad when i was travelling. it could be the toxins in my body that is possessing me right now.

THEORY #5
forgive me all you strong women out there but this needs to be said... ahem.. WHY HASN'T CALLED ME BACK YET? ... there...end of rant in which i know is already silly

THEORY #6
i am hormonly fucked right now. i have been pmsing for two and a half weeks straight. and no, i am not pregnant. but this is really screwing me up right now. I NEED TO CLEANSE!!!

THEORY #7
dear pretentious LA acquaintances. stop with the lip services. if you don't like me, tell me and i we can go outside and scrap. don't hug me and stroke my hair and say "ooooooh my gaaaaawd! SOOOOOOO good to see you" and then turn around and snub me and my friends for the rest of night. that shit is annoying. and when i said your dress was ugly, i meant it.

ok, so there. there are my rants. yes, i am not proud of them but they needed to be released. we are all human. we are messy. now leave me with my wine, digital camera, and my grouchy ass flower. i shall read this in the morning.