since when has my life ever been opposite of chaotic?

it seems that years building up to 2000 has been potential energy and the past nine years has been released kinetic energy. slowly picking up speed, getting more hectic and chaotic and being utterly beautiful.

but i am a Virgo (whatever that means) and as a close friend of mine once assessed about me, "Face it, love. you like structure. as organic you think you are, and want to be because you have this romantic notion of what you think an artist should be, deep down inside, you like regimine."

do i?

i mean, if they say how your surroundings look is indicative of how your mind looks, then my mind is utterly cluttered.

and drawing back from the past, trying to make sense of it all, i can only stem from all the health problems that i have, stemming from stress- eczema. hives. the misdiagnosed lupus. alopecia areata. all stemming from caring just a little too much.

and so i stopped caring. let things go.. to the point where i stopped caring and letting go (say it with me now) just a little too much.

aight.

there. dr. alfie psycho-analyzed herself.

so what does this mean? well, it means that i need to add structure to my life, and stop "compartamentalize" in their little niches. i took on art genres in different time periods. i focused on my heart in 07, money in 08. and now it 2010 and there is a potential energy for all to exist in a single realm. this also means that the built up potential energy can potentially be kinetic energy for all things to go awry.

my man says my home and car is cluttered. my boss says i am late all the time. all my friends use the word "busy" in a conversation with me-"i know you are busy..." "hey, busy girl" "yo busy bee."

so here i am, day 2 on trying to restructure my life. going to bed early, waking up early. taking the time to have a healthy breakfast, brew coffee the way i like it, plan out my day/week, make lunch, clean the house bit by bit, meditate, write, and sketch.

now is the time to make things work, to make things work for itself, and to work less, but with maximum result.



gr....

and it's taking over my mental space.

- keeping a calendar
- spending more money on storage products
- giving away more clothes and items i don't need
- planning meals
- checking in with self and with others who know my goal
- cut the time of mindless dilly dally
- stop worrying
- stop the fear and the insecurity
- just do it
- don't care so much but care more about the right things
- keeping a budget


now is the time to make things happen. there is no other option, than to be happy at the place where you are standing right now.

there isn't enough time and life is short. no time to make excuses.

7:57 am... time to get ready for work

throughout the years, i have developed this perspective in which the following holds truth:

- the past is the past. it's done. there is no use wishing to change it because, well frankly time travel hasn't been invented so why dwell on it.

- the future hasn't happened yet so why worry about events that may not happen or keeping your eye on this object in which umpteen million possible out comes can happen and preparation for the future is synonymous with swimming up stream


so with that, the present is of greatest value because it is what you have at the moment and it should be fully experienced and valued. but i am now trying to add that with experiencing the moment and trying to heightened each sensory, i also wanted to honor the past (because that is what made me up to now) and also keep an eye on the future (because decisions made today can effect the future.)

it's widening perspective.

being sensitive and compassionate.

to think outside of yourself.

to cherish each relationship for what it is.

to view things that fall apart as a door that leads to a set of new opportunities.

to breathe and just be.

to choose to be happy, because some emotions can be chosen, and not just be reactionary.

to just love unconditionally and hard.

Lately, i have realized that i have missed out on a lot of things in the past decade. It's been about ten years since i have seen my cousins' children. Ten years since i have been to Disneyland. Ten years since i have been fishing with my father. and though i don't even for a second, regret what i have done in those years to grow, rediscover myself, and meet new people, i wish there were two of me to cover more ground.

Last week, i took the day off to spend time with family. It's been YEARS since i have been fishing with my father. and months since i did anything with the family.

this was such a beautiful day, even with the overcast skies and the chilly temperatures.



dad prepping the crab nets




my sister anna




my brother allen>br>



and this is why you don't by cheap sunblock




because this shit doesn't rub in


happy daddy



looking like the alien in district 9, he just wants to go home.


like my friend robert said "the sea gaves us more than just two spider crabs; she gave us time to spend with our father and to laugh."

thank you, ocean