i have a deeper understanding of I MISS YOUS
my girl charmaine jane is in hawaii. winds of change led her to the island where i stayed for three years shortly after my birth. the red island of oahu. she is part of balagtasan collective so we miss organizing, producing shows, and performing with her. but sometimes, one has to step outside their comfort zone to truly understand where we stand.

dropping jewels:

cjanesaid: tell BC i say alooooha!
Alfie says: awwwww, good night
Alfie says: we miss you, charmaine!!!!!
cjanesaid: have lucid dreams
cjanesaid: no no no
cjanesaid: wait
cjanesaid: i have a deeper understanding on I Miss yous
cjanesaid: i say i don't miss you, cuz you're close to me
cjanesaid: if i say i miss you, then you're far.
cjanesaid: yeah, so that's my overstanding on I MISS YOU
cjanesaid: i dont!
cjanesaid: your spirit is with me girl!
Alfie says: :-)
cjanesaid: much aloha to you and the rest!
Alfie says: ok, then i love ya girl
cjanesaid: now have lucid dreams!
cjanesaid: i love you too

damn..i have a deeper understanding of i-miss-yous; i don't miss you because you are close to me....

then, i don't miss you charmaine, miko, i don't miss you romy,i don't miss you debbie, ro, june, arnel, ronnie, carol, jennifer, nelson, rebecca, rachel, nelito, all my nieces and nephews (cuz that right there is a full army), crystal, keoni, gabe, khalil, the whole island of hawaii, and shit, the list don't end there.

no more missing.. i just.. well, love your guts

so i never made it to the batting cages
nor did i clean my house or do my laundry. i ended up getting lost with micah and it was pretty damn fun.

the car ride conversations were the best. we even tried to play that improv game where we try to tell a story, by saying one word at a time, never knowing what the other would say.

the best story we told:
he said: dick
i said: cheney
he said: suck
i said: bush

end

yea, we should be an improv comedy team. well, maybe not cuz the other stories were not as good.

let's see how many republicans find my blog on google. buaahahahahahahaha!

work load light today

so i asked myself what she want to do today.

i said, "Self, what do you want to do today>"

and she replied,"hit balls"

so... i am going the batting cages

holding hands
the intimacy of holding hands has been underated on the whole. interlacing of fingers. the exchange of chi between hands. how the energy swirls in the space between the slight cups of palms. connection of chakras? possibly. the caressing of the thumb in the base of the other.

did you know in reflexology, that is the place on your hand where you massage to treat your spine? it's called "walking the back".

imagine having your back rubbed in comfort merely having your partner caress your hand with his/her thumb while hands are interlocked. easing of hearts fluttering? possibly.. or possibly the quickening of hearts to the point where it ... skips.

with this in mind, please understand if i pull away and place hands in pockets. not ready for that right now.

i want normal sleeping patterns

lots happened in the past few days. crazy how things are thrown my way.


i think i am going to move to brazil. lots to do for an insomniac there.

my instincts are a tad off
i took my shot at interpreting my dream. normally, i feel good about what i come up with but sometimes, i just want to be sure that i am looking at a situation with clarity.

so i talked to my friend tanya who does dream interpretation. she is very intuitive and she can give me some insight on what is going on. my double take on my intrepretation was valid.. look what she says...

"you are standing on the target point...x marks the spot...now either move forward or get out of the way so that someone else can self-launch from that point and persevere...so many loose ends...unfinished business, why??? fear of success or failure? fear of vulnerability or losing control? lack of self-confidence is obvious (u knew how to sail a boat but forgot)...it's easier to 'forget' a skill than to exercise it...selective amnesia can be a very powerful form of self-deception...your window of opportunity is open, your Guides are trying to get that across to you...you have the tools necessary for success...go into the toolshed, gather up all the tools, sort and organize them...create your plan/blueprint...begin building on your dream...your life...when your window closes, you'll find it even harder to merely think, let alone, plan"

so, my interpretation was from a perspective of a fearful person. its true. i am completely independent. basically, i call my own shots, i make my own schedule, i do what i want to do.

and it scares me sometimes.

there are so many times when i would stand in the wings of a stage, waiting for my cue when i turn to a stage hand and say "omigod, i can't do this!'... or when someone passes me a job in which it is high profile and i call my sister to vent "what? am i nuts??? this is so difficult" or when a gorgeous guy comes up and talks to me but i don't give him the time of day cuz i think i am out of his league.

been working on it lately.ever since i finished "the power of now", i have been taking a concious effort in not making fear debilitate my being.

so here's to letting go of the illusions of choppy waters, grey skies, and broken masts. gonna set sail now...