i spoke too soon

been hit hard... with a fever. been in bed for the past two days. i haven't really eaten in the past day. you know what. this is taking too much energy. i post later.

update on my feeling blaaaaaaaaah

alright, so first off, my little wino confession was a flop.i was so busy venting on this blog that i didn't go pass one glass of wine. by the time i was finished, i went to bed but ended up reading 60 pages of "jungle dream" and doing pilates while i read. yes, i know. i know. but i have this thing about multi-tasking.

but God has His way of reassuring me. He sends in little signs to let me know that in the grand scheme of things, i will be okay.

my cousin from hawaii emails me updating her life for me. let me tell you, i am so proud of her as she is active in community arts in hawaii. she is organizing, teaching youth workshops, and outreaching. she fell in love with spoken word and is actively part of the movement to make that art form grow out there. it's amazing. her enthusiasm and love is so genuine that it reminds me of my own feelings of the art form. you chisel away the bullshit spoken word has gone thru and what you have is this beautiful art form of connecting bridges between people. thanks for making me see it again, ading. CRYSTAL clear =)

and there is something beautiful of just hanging with friends and being able to bitch. i believe people should just let go and let them feel the funk and allow themselves to just regurgitate all that bad energy. most of the time, you tend to process yourself out of that funk. my stance is that i shall always try to pull myself out of it. but for some reason, i was tired.

so thank you roomie and vanessa for the late evening talk over soy lattes and chicken wraps. i so needed that.

then wendell came over with sonny cheeba and we watched the 2000 bboy/bgirl international competition till 3am. we talked about kali, starting a bboy team from the philippines, his spiritual dance with the goddess of war, and my extended hormonal imbalance. great way to vent.

but i am okay now. i am ready to work. well, let me first pick up my order of machaca burrito around the corner. hazy morning fog calls for horchata. woooo!

i think i am depressed...
i think i am depressed. not i-need-prozac depressed. not even tell-me-about-zoloft depressed. just ... depressed.

de?press:
1.To lower in spirits; deject.
2.To cause to drop or sink; lower: The drought depressed the water level in the reservoirs.
3.To press down: Depress the space bar on a typewriter.
4.To lessen the activity or force of; weaken: feared that rising inflation would further depress the economy.
5.To lower prices in (a financial market).


i think it is the kind of depress is where i question if i my optimism is a way of showing passive denial. that i am masking something. what sucks more is that I HAVE NO FAWKIN' IDEA AS TO WHY I FEEL THIS WAY. none.

i am a curmudgeon.

i am grumpy as eff.

so i am going to use this blog not to post my review of a movie i recently saw. nor am i going to talk about a bath product i adore. or what my weekend was like (ok i will do that later). no,i am going to free write and vent. rant till i pant. process shit out.

depressed. like the kind of depressed that would probably drive someone to have a beer. and though i don't drink, i am now. i am having the fruity wine miko and satoshi got me for christmas. i am even drinking from them fuckin' glasses i never use that i store on the top shelf. the kind they use for wine or champagne or any of that shit i normally turn down.

but not tonight my friend. tonight. i drink. (even though i think i am cheating cuz i am drink water at the same time. is the morning after hang over obligatory for the sunrise self reflection?) and see what it is like to wallow in this feeling instead of (( CLAP-CLAP reeeady okay))) cheerlead myself out of it.

this time i am going to embrace it.

care to join me?

good.

THEORY #1:
i am soooooo fucking bored with life right now. seriously. bored to tears. like, what am i supposed to do? sure, i do alot. but am i really pushing myself. what am i supposed to do? am i doing? and if i am, am i doing it in the capacity in which i should be doing it?

THEORY #2:
i am not to positive on the outlook of life right now. it's bleak. i would like to think that the budget cuts on the arts, education, and medical will be rectified but shit, i honestly think people don't give a shit. and i wonder if our voices are even heard. i mean, come on. i am seeing organizations are being in dire straits right now. sure, i believe that we should sustain ourselves but fuck, people are so closed minded these days. they don't know the options. they only know what is being fed to them. maybe the arts don't need grants. that arts should be able to thrive for the arts create free thinking and it is not owned by anybody but the people. but people fail to see the importance of the arts. fuck, other than the movie industry, can be very lucrative for california! ok, i am blabbing. email me for further details or clarification when my mind is not intoxicated.

THEORY #3
i am running my ass off four times a week, AND WHY CAN'T I GET RID OF MY BELLY?

THEORY #4
i ate really bad when i was travelling. it could be the toxins in my body that is possessing me right now.

THEORY #5
forgive me all you strong women out there but this needs to be said... ahem.. WHY HASN'T CALLED ME BACK YET? ... there...end of rant in which i know is already silly

THEORY #6
i am hormonly fucked right now. i have been pmsing for two and a half weeks straight. and no, i am not pregnant. but this is really screwing me up right now. I NEED TO CLEANSE!!!

THEORY #7
dear pretentious LA acquaintances. stop with the lip services. if you don't like me, tell me and i we can go outside and scrap. don't hug me and stroke my hair and say "ooooooh my gaaaaawd! SOOOOOOO good to see you" and then turn around and snub me and my friends for the rest of night. that shit is annoying. and when i said your dress was ugly, i meant it.

ok, so there. there are my rants. yes, i am not proud of them but they needed to be released. we are all human. we are messy. now leave me with my wine, digital camera, and my grouchy ass flower. i shall read this in the morning.