as promised to zoe, a poem to my unborn child. ( oh and thanks for the well wishes for simon. he is such a silly puppy.)
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“Contract to Self 2”

Oh Blessed Light!
Sweet anticipation sings
To the lyrics from the pages
Found in my herstory
Blending with Divine Prophesy
I am yet to be complete
I am one heartbeat short of you
And the thought of your existence plays tunes
Of Yesteryears with stolen moments of Today
As Future dances joyously
To the tempo of my Heart’s Drum
in God’s Given Arena
I wait for your arrival, your being of “ now’
With patience of an elder
And giddiness of a child
Sweet Gift of God
I am being molded,
Being shaped,
Being creatively created
Into the Being of Be
That only you deserve

I call upon the challenges of
Trials and Tribulation
I invite them to apply pressure
And to refine my carbon “me”
So that I may shine the Light within
Outwards
So that prism lights are caught
Dancing in your wide, accepting eyes
Enabling you to see the world clearer

And as I continue my journey
I refuse to look back
But notice that hindsight is 20/20
As all the heartaches and pain make sense
Drawing upon tears
To reign down
And wash away my soiled soul
So that it may be fertile for my seeds to grow

I promise to keep you close to my Inner child, my child
To allow you to remind me what defines me
And what makes me tick
To rediscover me, over and over again
My reason for breathing
My inner clock work ticking in measurements
Of you and not time

I promise to house your fears in
My velvet lined heart
To allow you to fill the world in my arms
Where moonshine pours and sunlight buzz
And renewing your quest for Life
So conquer those demons
As you will the world!

I promise to breathe the spoken word of Wisdom
As you inhale each stanza
Enabling you to shout bouts of Knowledge and Love
Even when you are whispering
To articulate love with psalms
Interwoven with actions of conviction

I promise to work with the world
To not blend in with the masses
And make changes from the inside out
To reform things by through whatever white lines
I could erase in the blueprint of the norm
In which deemed unacceptable
Yet placed by humans, though humans err
So that where ever you are
Your coordinates of x,y,z
Are cushioned by me
Though I don’t stand next to you
I am with you
As I am you
And you are me

I promise to find a man deemed worthy
For your lips to say “father”
And your heart to say “daddy”
And I harmonize with “husband”, ”soulmate”, and “heart’s twin”
That he is aware of the conditions of unconditional love
And seeks infinity with Infinite Wisdom
I will know him because it will be you
That I see when I look at him
As you whisper out his name in my ear
He and I will be strong pillars
Standing on a firm foundation of Corinthians 13:4
As we hold up the Edifice of a REALationship
In which houses you
Your temple,
Your sanctuary

It is I in which Eye can see you with
Making promises and contracts
To the most important role I will play in life
And until I meet you, I will continue to grow
Never rush nature for manifestation manifests
When things happen naturally
You will be by myself, of my self, for my self
So thus I sign in blood we share
This Contract to Self

i took my dog to the vet yesterday. my dog is blind. he sees very very little. apparently he had an eye disease that damaged his cornea. needless to say, i am very upset.

i hate leaving him at home because how comfortable is he, by himself, not running around out in the yard because he is unsure of where he is and who or what is around them? as soon as he is better, i am going to start bringing him to work. luckily, this company is dog friendly. but i wonder how well behaved he would be.

he is such the trooper. although he is impaired, he still wants to play catch. he sniffs around for this rubber ball with a bell in the middle, carefully walks over to me, places the ball in my hand and waits until i throw it. he then hears the bell and runs to retrieve it. sometimes, he gives me hope that he can get better cuz he would catch it midair if i toss it carefully. i dunno. i just feel horrible that he can't see me smiling. but nothing warms my heart more as to see him smile despite of his condition, that though he has a huge obstacle in front of him, he still does things that makes him happy such as going on walks and playing with his tennis ball. he just has to go thru it a different way and use his other resources and not to give up. i should take that lesson from him.

listening: res- "tsunami"
laying: down foundation for possible gigs this coming month
lending: an ear to disgruntled workers in america on im =)
learning: that i MIGHT be ready to settle down... ok maybe not

lesson of the day:" there are two forces- negative and positive. one difference between the two is that the negative will always ALWAYS try to dominate you. negative forces come in different forms- some loud and abrasive; some seemingly pleasant. it is your duty to yourself to be aware of them. otherwise, they will dominate you and you life."

breathe::..

i was told that i was too much of a pacifist.

i sometimes hear criticism that being a pacifist is not effect enough. that ghandi and martin luther king jr. would have been more effective had they been more assertive, had they have emphasize the "fist" in pacifist. so i started thinking. how can one be an advocate for peace and well-being for a people when one promotes violence? i started reading the Bible. with the word in my heart, i then i started reading "the motorcycle diaries", a journal che guevarra kept while travelling the country side, before he became a revolutionary. i then started reading bits and pieces of ghandi's biography and louis farahkahn in the book ,"prophet of rage". i then read picked up, "the wisdom of native americans". they all shared on common trait- a compassion to their people. how can one move like crystal water yet be strong enough to smooth out rock.

"closed fists of revolution but open fist birth humility"

it came to me today. today was the first day of my eskirma class. eskirma is a pilipino warrior combat art. i am taking this class for many reasons- self defense, to retain a culture, to be in touch with my ancestors, to learn about myself. buddhist monk, dada shivesha'nanda avadhuta, taught the warm up. much of it was tai chi. he spoke of how martial arts and the spirit is connected. we are not here to just learn movement and how to effectively take down a man.

"you must be open-minded. you must have your heart open. you must be one with GOD. otherwise, you are not a warrior.

"we do not promote violence. we promote a retention of life."

dada exuded so much positive energy. so much that i can't help but absorb it and then return it. that is how i should exchange with the universe. that is how i should be one with the MOST HIGH.

it is possible to be one who promotes serenity, yet still be strong enough to uphold that idea, by any means necessary. though i choose to "go with the flow" and let things go, to be PROACTIVE than to be REACTIVE, it does not mean that i am lacking the passion to be part of a movement. i take the bullet for things i believe in, shall put up fists for many reasons, but i shall not be a forgotten martyr for something petty.

i remember my father that day. he turned around, eyes facing mine. he saw mom crying in my left arm, sister crying in the right, brother with upper lip stiff and his eyes piercing, fighting back tears. he turned around. head held high, and said, "guilty, your honor" though in my heart, and his heart, and in my mother's heart, and in my siblings hearts , and in the hearts of many of our friends , we know it is not true.

dad said later on," i didn't want to fight it because i don't want your mom to go thru anymore. i don't want to prolong this only to be sentenced for a longer term. besides, they already made their decision. you know this. our lawyer knows this. i can't bear to see your mom like this."

and for the first time, his voice cracked. but he held his stature.

that day, my father became the strongest man i know. and i am following in his footsteps.

"Pacifism

All that a pacifist can undertake-but it is a very great deal-is to refuse to kill, injure or otherwise cause suffering to another human creature, and untiringly to order his life by the rule of love though others may be captured by hate."


i will be meditating 6am in the morning with dada. i better get to bed. but i had to get this off my chest